iTunes Ambiguations

Before I launch into this, let me just say that I get it - this may be more my problem than it is an iTunes problem. I am a person who used to organize his cassette tapes, and then CD's, in alphabetical and chronological order - by artist and then by release date, respectively.

Because I'm not an animal.

Perhaps this is the reason why I find the episode numbering system for iTunes TV episodes so frustrating. For example, we recently started watching The Expanse (which is excellent - if you are not watching it, you should be). The picture below shows how the episodes are numbered, and the order in which they download from iTunes.

Episode 1 - Dulcinea - is indeed the first episode of the season. But if you want to go to the second episode of the season, the second episode that contains the continuing story that you are following, you must in fact select Episode 3 - The Big Empty.

Why? Because iTunes insists on tagging "Inside the Expanse: Episode 1" with the numeric indicator slot that should be reserved for Episode 2. So it lists like this:

2 . Inside the Expanse: Episode 1

This means, of course, that the first episode of "Inside the Expanse" is actually listed as episode 2, which is confusing in and of itself. It also means the real Episode 2 is actually listed as Episode 3, and it gets progressively worse, as the third episode becomes Episode 5, the fourth is Episode 7, the fifth is Episode 9, and so on. It also means that "Inside the Expanse: Episode 2" actually refers to the numeric Episode 3, that "Inside the Expanse: Episode 3" actually refers to Episode 5, and, and... dogs and cats are living together...

How could this possibly be considered less confusing that just giving these extra episodes a three-digit designation, as they've done with the other extra features also within this show - e.g. Episode 101 - Sneak Peek, or 102 - Premise. Wouldn't it make far more sense to have something more like this:

106 Inside the Expanse: Episode 1 107 Inside the Expanse: Episode 2

Done this way, Inside the Expanse: Episode 2 would actually then - believe it or not - refer to episode number 2.

Incidentally, Apple, I hereby waive all rights to this incredibly clever, innovative numbering idea I've invented myself out of whole cloth - please feel free to just go ahead and use it.

I have to believe this approach would be clearer for the people watching the extra features as well. Which brings up another thing:

Aside from the clear organizational chaos that this causes, it is exacerbated for me by the simple fact that I don't believe I could possibly care less about whatever appears on "Inside the Expanse: Episode Unclear". I am certain there are people out there who delight in extra features (there must be, since they are all over the place), but I am not one of them. I want to watch the show, and experience it as it is presented, interpret it as I experience it. I do not want the writers telling me what they intended I feel, the set designers telling me the mood they were trying to achieve - the proof of all of that is in the pudding. If they did their jobs well, my experience will gel with their intentions and, if they did not, well, all of their protestations to the contrary won't matter.

And while I'm taking these things to task, let me also note that putting up additional extra features for a season still in production is not equivalent to putting up a new episode. Earlier this week I was greeted with the following email:

”Finally!" I shout in my head (it echoes in there, incidentally), call LB down to partake in the latest installment of zombie gore and Ricktator shenanigans, and fire up the TV, only to find...

The email clearly states that "The Latest Episode of The Walking Dead, Season 6 is now available". Except it's not. Second tier extra content - in this case, actor interviews about their characters - does not an episode make. If it's not clear by now, that term should be reserved for a segment of content that is part of the continuing story being told by the show. As it stands, receiving the email only to find an extra feature is disappointment at best, and feels like a cruel trick at worst (oh, the agony of being denied blood and guts and interpersonal angst).

There's a lot to like about iTunes - it provides reliable access to things that are difficult to get anywhere else, and it lets you watch favorite things over and over again, without fear they will be pulled from availability. Still, one would think that a company so clearly concerned with precision in design of its products might also provide similar precision in its communication and organization.

One would, apparently, be wrong.

When is a donation not a donation?

The final season of Downton Abbey is on the air. We don't have any sort of broadcast TV in the home, so we look to see these things via streaming services, including PBS through the Apple TV - very much the way we watched the last season of the same series.

This year we are a little late to the game, and the first two episodes have already gone past, and episode 3 is the most current at the time that I put these words down. Like any right minded soul, we want to watch the first two episodes before watching the third - we aren't animals.

This is not as easy as one might expect.

It turns out that episode one is only available through a WTTW Passport membership (WTTW is our local PBS station, inasmuch as Chicago - an hour and a half away - is local). This is a multiple step process that finds, after one works one's way through it, that WTTW would like a bit of cash from me if I'm to watch the earlier episodes.

How much? $5/month, or $60/year. But this isn't a fee, mind you. It's a donation.

A mandatory minimum donation. One which I must pay to watch earlier episodes of this season through through the PBS app.

Now, to be clear, I don't mind paying to watch a show I enjoy. I've done it many times before, and will likely do it many times again. Still, while one might argue that it's simple semantics, I struggle with the idea of a required donation. It seems, somehow, disingenuous. You have a good show, one that people want to watch. One that people will pay to see. Why not be up front and just fucking charge for it?

This bothered me enough that I decided to look around. The current season - season 6, the last season - isn't on Amazon Prime, but it is on iTunes. For $14.99.

So - for three months worth of donation to PBS I can watch this show - the only show I'm currently interested in watching on PBS - as many times as I want, for as long as I want. This seems a reasonable exchange to me; and certainly more straightforward and up front than a mandatory "donation".

To be clear, I have nothing against public media, and have been a long-term consumer of National Pubic Radio in particular. Many years, though admittedly not all, I have been a contributor. I think there is considerable value in having a service like public radio and television. But when you've moved beyond that and you are marketing a product based upon its desirability, let's be up front and simply charge for it. It seems likely to me that everyone involved will feel better for it as a result.

Uploading Files Online in iOS

For folks who use iOS devices as primary work machines, there have been a couple of limitations in the operating system that can be challenging to work around. A major limitation has been an inability to upload files to websites. For example, my daughter, who participates in online schooling, has historically done most of her schoolwork on an iPad. This is great for flexibility in terms of work location and it's clear in watching her do things like edit video in iMovie that many of her skills are iOS specific - she can do things faster and more effectively on an iOS device than many people can using similar software on a laptop.

When it came time to upload assignments, however, she was stuck. There was no way to upload the work through her school's web interface using the iPad. We set up a workaround by saving the assignments to Dropbox, and then uploading from a desktop machine. This fall, when the 2007 white MacBook she was using for this purpose came to a premature end (hardwood floors, LCD screens, and spinning disks do not a good combination make if introduced at speed), I broke down and bought a used 2013 MacBook Air from Dan Benjamin's online garage sale (@danbenjamin was a delight to interact with, incidentally, and included 5by5 network stickers and a Bacon Method magnet and coffee cup in with the MacBook Air when he sent it - very cool!)

The MacBook Air is a fine computer in general, and the one I purchased from Dan works quite nicely - my daughter was very excited to have it join the household. But it turns out my purchase was, apparently, unnecessary.

I discovered this listening to the inaugural episode of Canvas, a podcast by Frederico Viticci and Fraser Speirs, with a focus on mobile productivity. The episode itself covers a lot of territory, primarily looking at apps that allow for downloading and managing documents on iOS, of which there are multiple options - I can heartily recommend listening to the episode if you are interested in meeting that particular need. For myself, having worked off of iPads for the past several years, it offered a couple of apps I had not heard of, but I'd otherwise already solved the downloading problem for myself, and so I was somewhat impatiently waiting for them to talk about how to upload documents.

It seemed to me a bit like they were giving the uploading side of the conversation short shrift, but when they got to it I realized why:

Apple added the capability to the operating system when they released iOS 9.

I've been using iOS 9 since it came out in September 2015, but I was completely unaware of this change until listening to the Canvas episode earlier this week. Once I heard it I took the first opportunity to find a site that took mobile uploads to see how it works:

The document picker essentially gives you access to any files in iCloud, as well as any file serving service that works with iOS (for us that's Dropbox).

This change functionally eliminates one more barrier that some people may have encountered when considering iOS as a primary platform, taking one more reason off of the list of needs for keeping a "real" computer around the house.

While I'm pleased to see that the feature is now available, I am a little frustrated that it doesn't seem to have been announced in any way by Apple (I've double-checked, and I cannot find it mentioned on the website for iOS 9). If it weren't for the discussion on Canvas, I'd still be unaware of it and, as it stands, iOS 9 came out a full month before I decided to buy the MacBook Air. Had I been aware of this capability, I may not have made that purchase (though it's probably a good thing to have around - the only other family Mac available in the house is nearly a decade old).

App Lag

I mentioned starting to work with the iPad Pro a few weeks ago, and finding a workaround for the fact that some of the apps hadn't yet updated to use the larger keyboard that the device offers.

This is not an atypical experience for people who take in new technology as it comes out. The trade off for the excitement of playing with the new thing is that you also get to find out what doesn't yet work with that new thing. While it has quickly seemed familiar to me, one should, I suppose, bear in mind that the iPad Pro only came out in late November - it's only been around for a couple of months.

What has been around longer, however, is iOS 9. The newest version of the operating system was released September 16th, 2015, and it's had, according to Wikipedia, the fastest adoption rate of any new operating system, appearing on half of all active iOS devices within the first week of release, and on 71% by mid-December.

iOS 9 also has multiple new features that are specific to the iPad, including new multitasking and split screen features. It is surprising to me that there are a number of programs that have not been updated to take advantage of these features. Obviously any new feature is work, and it's understandable that many smaller app development companies will find that they have to prioritize in a way that may not put development for those new features first. This is the way I find myself framing things when I realize that Day One was not only not updated for the new iPad Pro keyboard, but also does not support slide over or split-screen multitasking on any iPad.

But where I can see that for a small company, it's somewhat perplexing when it comes from the larger players. Frederico Vitticci from MacStories has been tweeting his frustration about the lack of support for these features in Google Docs for a while. I don't use Google Docs; my frustration comes from a lack of support from Dropbox. If there ever seemed a service that was designed to be a perfect compliment to the iPad, Dropbox is it - it's your repository for everything you might need to access, right there on your device, even though it's not on your device.

I'm with Frederico, here, in that every time an update comes out for the Dropbox iOS app I'm waiting to see the liner notes indicating that it's been updated for the multitasking features.

Every time I'm disappointed.

Because, as an early-adopter, I'm accustomed to the delays, I know that we're likely to get there eventually, and I'm somewhat content to wait. The longer the delay, though, the more the eye wanders. Although I found the portrait workaround for non-updated keyboards effective, I also wanted to get some practice working with, and becoming accustomed to, the new layout. To meet this, I ended up downloading 1Writer, based upon the recommendation of Serenity Caldwell at iMore.

The upshot of this is that this entire post is written in 1Writer, where I've traditionally written almost everything for my sites in Day One. And, while I'd initially downloaded it as a make-do app, the longer I use it the more I find that it has excellent features - it's support for Markdown is exceptional, and better so far than any other app I've tried - it has an excellent toolbar to allow for quickly entering links and other Markdown features, and today I discovered that it will directly export Markdown text into SquareSpace's Blog app in a Markdown field - no copying or pasting necessary. The multiple steps I've been taking to get my posts on to the website are unnecessary. I've also learned, today, that it has its own web browser to facilitate finding links in the first place. And it supports autocorrect, which Byword, another otherwise excellent Markdown text editor, does not.

I'll copy this to Day One when its finished, to keep everything in my journal where I can easily find it. What becomes clear, though, is that the longer apps delay their updates, the greater the opportunity for competitors who have. Right now 1Writer is where I'm starting my writing process. That wasn't the case a month ago. I'm starting to wonder whether the alternatives to Dropbox have updated their iOS apps...

Star Wars...

We made arrangements to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens on Christmas Eve. The movie had been out for a week or two when we went to see it and, out in the hinterlands where we live it didn’t draw the same degree of crowds that it might in more urban settings[1]. Still, it certainly is the big movie of the season, so we went ahead and got our tickets in advance. All in all it was a delightful experience, made even more so by the multiple post-game discussions on the Incomparable Podcast.

For my part, watching the movie and listening to the podcasts made me want to go back and watch the original movies. By original, I am, of course, referring to episodes IV, V, and VI - A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. I am led to believe there were some other movies, made later, that I might even recall having seen in the theatre at the time, that also purported to carry the name “Star Wars” but, out of respect, we shall not speak of those…

As an adult with an actual, full time (or slightly more than) work schedule, making time to actually watch the movies was somewhat challenging. We finally managed to get the first movie in this weekend[2]. Though I have to admit it’s not the first time this has occurred to me, one of the primary impressions A New Hope leaves is one of just how quickly the world, apparently, can change.

Luke, our hero, comes across an old dude in the desert and, within the course of a half-hour or so, decides to entirely abandon his family farm and take off with the old dude to fight against the evil Empire. This is, of course, made somewhat easier by the fact that his guardians - his aunt and uncle, who are functionally the only parents he has ever known - are conveniently killed by stormtroopers. The fact that Ben - Obi Wan Kenobi - is completely unsurprised by the sequence of events is apparently lost on Luke. Of course Luke doesn’t know what we, the (unfortunate) viewers of The Prequels know: Ben could clearly have prevented their deaths.

But let’s not dwell on that.

Over the course of the remainder of the movie Luke manages to help negotiate passage on a freighter, fight his way into, and then out of, a detention center on an Imperial space station, and ultimately to be an exceptional pilot, blowing up that same space station. All based upon his skills as a moisture farmer on a backwater desert planet. And all of it appears to occur over the course of a few hours - maybe a couple of days, at best.

I’ve actually had these thoughts before, and none of this is to suggest that I don’t continue to dearly love these movies. Still, the turnaround for Luke in the first movie is truly astonishing. In our world he’d be the equivalent of a farm kid from Kansas or Nebraska - a hard life, to be sure, but with nothing in his background to suggest that he would suddenly become an expert pilot and a crack shot with military weapons. I didn’t question these things when I first saw these movies - but then I was six years old at the time. As an adult I suspect it’s a good thing that young Master Skywalker had a wise old Jedi Master, and a time-hardened smuggler, at his side to help him work his way through the world. It’s unlikely he would have made it on his own.

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Update

Let me note also, now that I’m winding my way thru the other two movies that, in Jedi Luke - undeniably the most powerful member of the Endor landing party - completely abandons his friends to go and have a confrontation with Darth Vader and the Emperor.

What a douche.

Ultimately he has virtually no impact on the final outcome of the movie. He’s busy arguing with the Emperor throughout the last half-hour or so of the movie. His friends are engaged in an assault on the shield generator, and the fleet above is getting torn apart because the Death Star remains protected behind a shield - both events which Luke’s involvement would have brought quickly to a close - while he is engaged in banal chit-chat about who will and who won’t be turning to the dark side[3].

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1. This is, of course, one of the primary reasons one might choose not to live in an urban setting. It is true that we are somewhat less in the forefront of cultural events but, when they do occur, it isn’t necessary to crawl across the bodies of one’s fellow humans to access them either.  ↩

2. In all fairness, MLW and LB managed to get the whole thing in on New Year’s Eve, and then were also subject to it on New Year’s Day, due to my personal inability to remain conscious. This has less to do with the movie, mind, than it has to do with a slightly ridiculous work schedule.  ↩

3. Emperor Palpatine has to be, by far, the least convincing persuasive speaker ever. You wouldn’t buy a used car from this guy, much less join his little club of evil. ”Strike down your father and take his place at my side… What? These scars all over my face? The fact that your father has to wear biomechanical S&M gear just to breathe? Pay no attention to that - being a Sith is great…"  ↩

Snow Tiring

Snow Tires

Every year, as the weather turns colder, I go through a ritual that involves hauling out a jack, removing one set of wheels from each of our cars, and putting another set in their place. Actually, I'll admit that, as I've gotten a little older, I try to make arrangements to have someone else do the heavy lifting in the project, though this year, a combination of busy schedule and procrastination meant that it was up to me.

I've been putting snow tires on my cars for at least the last 15 years. Until the Internet pretty much eliminated the magazine from my life, I was a regular reader of car magazines, particularly Car & Driver. They could be counted upon every year to do a roundup of snow tires, including routine measurements and demonstrations of vehicle capabilities on snow and ice with and without winter rubber.

Most people don't do this, of course. Most cars come with "all weather" tires that are designed to provide some reasonable level of grip in, well, all kinds of weather. Snow tires represent an additional cost - one is purchasing an entire additional set of tires for the vehicle, of course - and often a storage issue, unless one has a friendly tire shop which will agree to hold on to the off-season wheels. In the United States, at least, the common "extra-step" approach to dealing with winter weather is to buy a vehicle with some variation of four- or all-wheel drive.

I can speak from personal experience, incidentally, when I say that four-wheel drive does an exceptional job of getting one through very deep snow. Unfortunately, it does absolutely nothing with respect to helping the vehicle turn or stop in slippery winter conditions. I can, unfortunately, speak from personal experience in that regard as well.

By dint of busy schedule and procrastination, however, I am quite late in getting the snow tires on the car this year. As such, I had the opportunity to drive my car with its all-weather tires through a bit of snow the weekend of December 18th.

I have to admit that I may have periodically gotten a bit frustrated with other drivers in the winter, as they move so incredibly slowly in front of me following a dusting of the white stuff. It's remotely possible that I've called one or two of my fellow travelers less-than-flattering names from behind the safety of my window glass. It's been many, many years since I've had to navigate a winter landscape on anything other than purpose-built tires, and so I didn't understand.

But now, fellow traveler, I understand again why the winter snowfall makes you operate your vehicle like an octogenarian who's just left the optometrist having had his eyes dilated:

Your tires suck. They suck balls.

I realized this most acutely as I approached an intersection with a stoplight, preparing to turn left. My foot was firmly planted on the brake, the anti-lock brakes could be heard to do their work, pumping away. It was all for naught, the notion of stopping at the stop line in the intersection mere whimsy, the thought of the vehicle actually turning in response to the physical motion of the steering wheel, laughable.

I came through my non-stop without incident, I'm happy to say. But it was a painful reminder that "all-weather" really just means "compromise". Given how very different - how very much better - vehicles perform in the snow with winter tires, I'm honestly a little surprised snow belt states don't require them.

iPad Pro Keyboard

iPad Pro set in portrait orientation on the left, iPad Air 2 (in a BookBook Case) in landscape orientation on the left.

I have had an iPad Pro now for a couple of weeks. I have had some difficulty incorporating it into my workflow. I knew that having it was going to be useful, and I have some ideas about how, but it will take some time to fully integrate it.

One of the more frustrating things is how long it is taking some of the app developers to update their apps for the device. In particular this means apps don’t take full advantage of the features of the device, and I am particularly struggling with the failure to integrate the iPad Pro’s new virtual keyboard (which is, in and of itself, pretty awesome - it’s essentially a full keyboard).

In part, this presents an issue because it will take me a bit of time to learn the new keyboard. After five years of typing on glass with the 9.7“ iPad I have a lot of habits based upon that device’s keyboard. For example, I use a lot of dashes in my writing, and I have a habit of hitting the little ”.?123“ button in the lower left-hand corner in order to access that item. But two things are different on the new keyboard. First, there is now a dash on the main keyboard, right where you would expect it on a typical physical keyboard. Second, the Pro reverses the location of the ”.?123“ button and the emoticon button; this means that I keep accidentally accessing the emoticon keyboard when I intend to access the ”.?123" keyboard.

One of non-updated apps in question is Day One, the journaling app I use to do the overwhelming majority of my writing. This means that, when I set the app up in landscape format, I get a comically-large version of the keyboard from the 9.7" iPad, which is spaced all wrong, making typing a challenge.

To better incorporate the new iPad Pro I considered actually pairing it with a Bluetooth keyboard, something I haven’t actually done since the first-generation iPad[1]. And then I remembered something: the size of the iPad Pro is frequently described in articles as being, in landscape, about the size of two 9.7“ iPad screens side by side. This also would mean, that in portrait the iPad Pro is about as wide as a 9.7” iPad in landscape.

Which means that the portrait version of the old keyboard on the iPad Pro is almost exactly the same size as the landscape version on the iPad Air. So I turned Day One to portrait orientation and started typing. This entire entry has been typed on the iPad Pro in portrait orientation. It’s worked quite nicely.

This won’t last, of course. Eventually Day One and the other apps I use will update to put the new keyboard in, and I will be writing on them in Landscape, and learning the new keyboard. But it’s nice to have found a work-around in the meantime.

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1. When the iPad first came out this was exactly how I pictured using it - with a keyboard paired, writing in that format all over the place. But, as often happens when a new system presents itself - in this case, the virtual keyboard - I became curious about using the new thing instead. It turns out that it’s quite possible to type very quickly and effectively on a virtual keyboard.  ↩

Old Soldiers

For the past decade we have been an Apple household. Among the reasons for this - and one that continues to surprise me - is the longevity of these machines. I may have mentioned before that my first Mac, a 2005 Power PC Mac Mini, continues to soldier on as our media server, a decade after I bought it and several years after it reached the end of its service as a work machine.

The Mini was replaced by a late 2006 iMac, which served for several years before being placed into retirement as a machine for my daughter to use for school. Still, longevity and all aside, it appeared over the past year that the iMac had finally reached the end of its useful life. It was having trouble running for any significant period of time without locking up, and varying white lines across the display suggested to me that the graphics card was on its way out. It was set off to the side, and replaced with a lightly used and well-cared for 2012 MacBook Air that I purchased from Dan Benjamin at the 5by5 Podcast network.

By "set it off to the side" I essentially mean literally that. It sat, for months, on the floor beside my desk, waiting for me to have the time to decommission it by wiping the hard drive and sending it off to the recycling center.

I finally got around to it over the weekend before Thanksgiving. I dragged the Snow Leopard disk out of one of my drawers-o'-technology, and used disk utility to do a secure wipe of the hard drive. Done right this takes a while, and I let it run for several hours (and overnight) while I did other things.

When it was done I noticed that, while running off of the install disk, none of the white lines appeared. This, despite the fact that it had been running for hours. Given this, I went ahead and did a clean install of Snow Leopard just to see what I'd get.

The iMac has been running more or less continuously since the Sunday before Turkey Day, a full two weeks now, with only a brief interruption due to a power outage. The screen is free of artifacts. Essentially, it appears that the machine itself was fine, it just needed a clean install to recover from nearly a decade of continual use.

Of course, now this leaves me wondering what to do with it. Its operating system is several generations behind (10.6.8 vs 10.11 for El Capitan), and it doesn't have some of the bells and whistles of the newer systems like Handoff, for example. However, a little exploring after the clean install finds that it does, for example, run the iWork suite just fine through iCloud.com (though, ironically, I had to install Google Chrome to do this). So, it could serve as a backup desktop system for now, I suppose, while it waits to take its turn as a media server when (if?) the Mini finally shuffled off.

Military Ridge Trail

Military Ridge Trail Ridgeway Wi to Barneveld Wi

Most years for Thanksgiving we travel to the Cheese State to spend the holiday with MLW's family. My sister-in-law suggested that I bring along my bike this year and take advantage of the bike trails in the area. Seemed like a pretty good idea - in line with REI's #optoutside campaign and all - so I did just that.

The Military Ridge State Trail is a Rails-To-Trails path that runs from Dodgeville to Madison. The entire trail is about 40 miles long, but that seemed a touch optimistic after all the turkey and wine, so I rode from Ridgeway to Barneveld and back. The trail over this section is primarily crushed stone, which was very soft following the persistent rain we had here for Thanksgiving. It was a fair amount of work, and I was rarely able to get MLW's Schwinn up into the big front ring. The Schwinn, incidentally, I borrowed partly in anticipation of encountering surfaces which would not be friendly toward my vintage Cannondale road bike, and partly because said road bike is in desperate need of some rear-wheel maintenance.

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Enjoying this post? Check out our Cycling page for links to other cycling articles on Applied Life

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With regard to scenery this section of trail is somewhat of a mixed bag. The area in general is beautiful. The Baraboo region is essentially an ancient, buried mountain range, the peaks of which jut above the sediment, giving an alpine feel in a landscape of rolling hills. If you like the outdoors and live in the Great Lakes portion of the Midwest it's an excellent place to spend time. It provides a wonderful backdrop for any riding trip.

As is sometimes the case for riding trails converted from rail lines, though, the trail often runs within direct view of the highway. In addition, while most of it is bordered by plowed farmland, this section does run past a fairly large livestock operation, which one can detect via olfactory means before one actually lays eyes on it.

I had the trail entirely to myself, being the only person nuts enough to be out riding in 30-degree weather, and overall, it was a nice way to spend some time on Black Friday.

Opportunity Lost

The recent turn of Thor - which features a female version of the Thunder God - came up for sale on Comixology at $0.99/issue, so I snapped them up. I had been waiting for them to show up on Marvel Unlimited, which is sort of like Netflix for Marvel Comics, but that seems to be taking some time, and I've been looking forward to reading this, so I took the opportunity.

I wish I had waited.

There was, as I recall, a fair amount of controversy surrounding this artistic (and, let's be honest, marketing) decision. I've been a fan of the Norse Myths - both the "originals" and Marvel's version - since I was very young. To me, this was an opportunity to provide some new life and perspective into an old story, as well as offering a bit more focus on female characters.

Unfortunately, it's poorly told.

They could have told a complex story that shows the individual strength of a female character in a subtly patriarchal society. Instead, the authors made the decision to distill Odin - a truly, intensely complicated character - down into a base, sexist pig as a foil against which to have its female characters fence. They might just as well have have put a beard and eye patch on Archie Bunker and had him told Freyja to stifle and get him a beer.

I have other difficulties with the series. The artwork is mediocre at best, with a handful of nice moments (Mjollnir flying into the month of a Frost Giant and then out the back of his head among them) spoiled by a preponderance of lazy work that relies upon colored hammer flight paths rather than showing real action much of the time. It is, in fact, often difficult to determine what is actually supposed to have happened from what is drawn on the page. Additionally, the artist appears to believe that shorter male facial hair should look like AstroTurf - and Thor - the male character - is drawn in the fashion of Chris Hemsworth in a light beard, so there's a lot of AstroTurf on display.

In addition, the entire storyline relies upon Marvel's concept that Mjollnir can only be lifted by the "worthy". This seems, again, artistically lazy, given that it's been a repeated mechanism drawn upon in the movies of late. I also personally struggle with it because, as a long-time fan, I recall that the enchantment that causes this was removed by Odin in the Walt Simonson run of the comic series (Issue 340) back in 1984. I'm sure, given the intricacies of comic book continuity it was re-established somewhere along the way, but I struggle with it nonetheless.

The whole run seems an opportunity lost.

Red

A while ago I opined about the derogation that is directed towards Sammy Hagar when it comes to his time in Van Halen. This was inspired by listening to Van Halen specific playlists on Apple Music, and those playlists also reminded me that Hagar had come out with a memoir a few years ago, titled Red.

I'd come across the book by chance in a somewhat atypical bookstore in Denver - a place called The Tattered Cover - when we were there for a conference a couple of years ago. I was curious about it - I've been listening to Sammy Hagar since I was in junior high - but it wasn't available on Audible at the time (I've found that I typically can't keep my eyes open when I try to read in the evenings any more, so I capitalize on the opportunity to "read" when I'm driving and working around the house and yard), so I made a mental note of it and moved on.

Listening to the playlists fired up that mental note, and I did a renewed search on Audible, with success this time. A couple of clicks later I was the proud owner of the unabridged audiobook, and set about listening in the car, on my bike, working on my trailer...

...It is, as they say, possible to know too much about those you admire.

Perhaps unwisely, I had entered into the book with hopes of learning about Hagar's approach to writing music, pulling lyrics together, playing guitar. While I would never describe Sammy as a musical genius - for every thoughtful, interesting song like Remember the Heroes or Salvation on Sand Hill there is another like Sweet Hitchiker - his material has often struck me as presenting a working class philosophy, perhaps colored with a bit of California beach life for good measure. Within that structure as well he's always been a master of the hard-rock hook, producing songs with a musical edge that also stick with you.

After listening to Red I don't know any more about how he accomplishes any of that than I did before I started it. In fact, I couldn't even say whether he thinks about his music in any way even close to what I've just described above. The amount of time dedicated to anything about actual music production is so brief and poorly described as to almost leave one wondering whether he actually sees himself as a musician, as opposed to just a guy who shows up on stage in-between parties and expensive purchases.

Red is, in short, a tell-all book.

To be clear, my disappointment here is most certainly my fault. In retrospect, it is obviously the case that someone - either Hagar himself or a manager or publicist with his ear - encouraged him to produce something that covered all of the "titillating" details of his time with Van Halen before public interest dwindled to nothing. After all, his 10-year span with the band started nearly 30 years ago, in 1986.

But there's something more here.

When telling a story - even a tell-all like this book - one would like the author to have some self-awareness with respect to how he is presenting himself. He is, after all, the main character of the book, it's hero, for want of a better word. What we see of Sammy Hagar here, however, is a man in his 60's who, although looking back on his life, hasn't seen, is perhaps unable to see, the inconsistencies between who he describes himself as and who he actually presents as being.

Examples include passages in which he indicates that he doesn't really drink or do drugs, followed a short time later by descriptions of himself jumping into a limo and snorting coke with Eddie Van Halen; and indicating that he was largely faithful to his first wife, except, of course, for all of the random casual sex he had when he was on the road.

Perhaps the most troubling example of this, however, are the ongoing descriptions of how much time he spent away from home, and how difficult it was on his first wife, who nonetheless tolerated it and supported him; followed by his protestations that she was really bringing him down when he finally had to take a year off to care for her after she had a nervous breakdown; and that followed by his eventual breakup with her accomplished largely by avoiding her by moving from place to place ahead of her attempts to meet up with him and to bring his children to see him. At Christmas.

I actually found myself wondering whether he actually read the book after it was compiled (it seems clear from the way it reads that it was a series of stories dictated to someone else to have it out together).

I was grousing about all of this to my 13-year old daughter when I was about two-thirds of the way through the book. I went on long enough, apparently, that she felt the need to pat me on the shoulder and say "Dad, you know you can stop listening to it, right?"

But I couldn't. It was like passing an accident on the side of the road - you don't want to look, but you are compelled. I had to finish it.

There were interesting bits. Hagar is the second musician of his era whom I've learned has chosen to enter other businesses so that he doesn't have to rely upon music as an income (Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull being the first; I'm sure they are not unique in this). I learned that Marching to Mars, probably my favorite Hagar solo album, was a poor money maker. I learned that he owns a chain of bicycle shops.

And, fortunately, I find that I still enjoy the music.

Of Bikes and Batteries... And Cell Phones

The Mophie Powerstation fits nicely in my frame bag.  

In an unusual twist the weather today - November 1 - turned out to be perfect for riding.

When I go out for rides I use my iPhone to track my distance, speed, etc, using an app called Cyclemeter. I also use it, paired with my Jumbl Bluetooth Audio Receiver, to listen to audiobooks and podcasts while I'm riding[^1].

The difficulty is that, on longer rides, the battery on the iPhone may have trouble keeping up. It's not really the phone's fault - it's being asked to do a lot: run the the GPS radio continuously, keep the screen lit, and transmit audio over Bluetooth. For rides that run longer than an hour it's hit or miss as to whether the phone will last the entire ride. I can lengthen this by turning off the screen, which can help quite a bit, but I enjoy the feedback the app gives.

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It occurred to me a while back that I could take a battery pack and attach that to the phone while I was riding. They do make products to do this - for example, this gizmo that uses the power from your pedaling to provide a charge. But that type of thing seemed fiddly and expensive, and a simple battery pack like the ones made by Mophie would also have uses in settings besides riding.

So that's what I did. I purchased a Mophie Powerstation and set it up to sit in my frame bag, with a lightening cable connecting it to the iPhone, secured to the frame using a Velcro cable strap. I've been using it for the past two or three months, and it works like a charm. I have enough power to get through the ride without worrying about my charge, with a minimum of fuss.

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[^1]: The entertainment for today's ride was the 10/29/15 episode of NPR's Ask Me Another featuring Bruce Campbell and Lucy Lawless. I always enjoy this show, but it was exceptionally good this time - both Bruce (from the Evil Dead movie franchise and Burn Notice, as well as the short lived, and truly awful Brisco Country Junior) and Lucy (Xena: Warrior Princess and Battlestar Galactica) were some of the funniest guests I've ever heard on the show.

VW Beetle Fifth Wheel

For most of my life I've been a small car guy. I've had somewhat larger vehicles - my first car was a '77 Chevy Camaro, and I've had a couple of Toyota Pickups - but I've generally run toward the smaller, more economical and flexible arrangement of the compact hatchback. 

Flexible: Need more room for stuff? Fold the seats down. Got something long to carry?  Leave the hatch open. Got something that won't fit inside?  Put a roof rack on it. 

And: got something you don't want in it or on it? Get a trailer. 

This latter idea is not one that I think is universally shared surrounding small cars. They generally don't have a lot of torque for pulling, and usually don't have tow ratings provided by the manufacturer. So where does the idea come from?

I was considering this the other day and, unbidden, a memory arose of a segment I had seen years ago on the PBS car show Motorweek. The Internet, being a (sometimes) wonderful thing, found it after just a couple minutes of looking:

The Turkey Bacon Problem

The Turkey Bacon Problem, or TBP, is the phenomenon that occurs when on makes the mistake of trying to use something to replace something that it is not.

The TBP comes into play when one tries to plug a new, distinctly different item into the same role that a different item once played:

Turkey Bacon in the place of real bacon aside your scrambled eggs; Fat-free sour cream on your baked potato; Boca burgers in place of a Quarter Pounder.

Anyone who has tried these things has had the experience of them paling as they attempt to fill the role of their predecessors - it's just not the same. Honestly - show me a man who says he enjoys fat-free sour cream, and I'll show you a person who is lying to you... And to himself.

The obvious references here are to food, but the TPB shows up in many different walks of life and, I am convinced, is responsible for much of the unhappiness people express on the internet when they try new things, but then evaluate those new things harshly, expecting they will work in exactly the same way as some older version. Common examples might include expecting an e-reader to feel the same as a paper book, expecting to use an iPad in the same way as you would use a laptop or desktop computer, or expecting your favorite band to be the same after they take on a new lead singer.

I've made reference to this multiple times over the years, and my previous iteration of this site had an entry that explained it. That seems to have disappeared, however, so I've added a page to the main navigation of Applied Life so the references continue to work.

Of course you, dear reader, don't need to do anything with that. Instead, I recommend you make yourself some breakfast on this fine Sunday morning. And be sure to put some real bacon beside those fluffy scrambled eggs.

Sammy Was Not The Problem...

In its "for you" section Apple Music offers curated playlists, reportedly assembled by actual human beings, and offered up based upon your personal music preference profile.

Within the past couple of weeks Apple Music served up to me first an Intro to Van Halen playlist, and then a week or so later Van Halen: Best of the Sammy Hagar Years.

As one of a certain age and musical predilection might expect, listening to these two playlists reawakened in me deep memories of the musical animosity that the presence of Sammy Hagar as the frontman for Van Halen seemed to engender among veteran fans of the band.

Now - to be clear - I am not one of those veteran fans. I came to Van Halen largely from the other direction: I was (and am) a Sammy Hagar fan. In fairness, I was aware of Van Halen before the vocalist changeover, but they didn't get much by way of radio play in the rural Midwest of my adolescent years before 1984 came out, and the primary single released off of that album - Jump - certainly wasn't representative of the band's overall catalog.

So: I started to listen to Van Halen in the mid-1980's because it was the only way to get new material from Sammy Hagar.

For this reason, the frustration with "Van Hagar" was always rather mystifying to me. And, for the record, I wasn't alone. By the time he joined VH Sammy Hagar was already well established as a solo act, and was coming off of three of the best albums of his career to date - Standing Hampton, Three Lock Box, and VOA - and had probably seen more national radio play than Van Halen at that point (I recall hearing I'll Fall in Love Again and Surrender both on the radio); All of which is likely part of the reason all four of the Van Halen albums with Hagar on vocals sold multiple-platinum. Clearly other people liked the combination as well.

Still, after listening to track after track on these playlists (the work I do for you, dear reader) I think I might just get it.

But its not what you think. It's not the vocals - Hagar is different than David Lee Roth, to be sure, but he's arguably got more range and flexibility than DLR; he's a capable rock vocalist.

It's not the lyrics. Yes, most of the songwriting produced by Hagar-era Van Halen is about love, sex, or partying. But then again, so is virtually everything produced by the pre-Hagar, DLR-era VH. Sammy's earlier work, as well as his solo work since, has always included a much wider range of topic areas, including cars and driving, space exploration, the quality of heroes, and snake cults, among others. This narrowness of topic seems to be a signature feature of Van Halen as a band, and certainly doesn't reflect the additional influence of Hagar.

It can't be the bona fides. Hagar had been around and active almost exactly as long as Van Halen, first with Montrose and then on his own. He's been churning out guitar-based hard rock for decades. And he's been doing much of the guitar churning on his own - he's not in Eddie Van Halen's league (and few are), but he's a capable hard rock lead guitarist.

No - I think I hear the problem as I compare these tracks, and that problem isn't Sammy Hagar.

The problem is Eddie Van Halen.

Now, before you begin screaming obscenities and chuck your phone or tablet out the window, allow me a moment to explain.

The departure of DLR and arrival of Hagar coincides with another, more pivotal change in the character of the band:

Eddie's decision to largely set aside his guitar in favor of playing keyboards.

This makes a profound difference in the sound of the band - all you have to do is compare tracks before and after. For example, comparing Hot for Teacher from 1984 with Dreams from 5150:

The second sounds nothing like Van Halen. If I were looking for guitar heavy music like Hot for Teacher, tracks like Dreams and Why Can't This Be Love would be disappointing at best.

But that doesn't really sound like Sammy Hagar either. This does:

Eddie Van Halen's flirtation with keyboards began prior to the addition of Sammy Hagar, with the appearance of Jump on 1984. It was just the one song there, just a hint - or perhaps a harbinger - of what was to come.

The following albums - particularly 5150 and OU812 - are thick with keyboards, and comparatively light on guitar work. This is true to such a degree that, as I mentioned before, they really sound like they are by different bands.

This doesn't have to be the case. Other hard rock bands have incorporated keyboards without losing their core character - Rush in the 1980's being a prime example.

But Rush added keyboards to their instrumentation. Eddie appears to have chosen largely to replace his guitar work with his keyboards. He occasionally sets aside the keys for an entire song, but on those two albums in particular, it's more likely that the keyboards stop briefly, in favor of a few EVH guitar licks.

There are songs that include both keyboards and guitar together of course, but one assumes this puts the guitar in Sammy Hagar's hands. And, for the most part, the guitar work in those songs is fairly basic. I can imagine the veteran VH fans saying, at this moment, that this is because Hagar isn't the phenomenal guitarist that Eddie is.

They'd be right about that. EVH is a far better guitarist that Sammy Hagar. But Hagar is much better than the work on 5150 or OU812 would suggest - Listen to Heavy Metal (above) again if you don't believe me. He's holding back on those albums.

Which brings us to the other part of the Eddie Van Halen problem:

He's just not that good on keyboards.

Eddie Van Halen setting aside his guitar is the rock and roll equivalent of Michael Jordan quitting basketball to play baseball.

For the veteran fan, listening to an album like 5150 is experiencing the Turkey Bacon Problem (TBP) - the album cover says Van Halen, but it just doesn't sound right.

But it could have sounded much closer. Frankly, I suspect Eddie and the other band members knew he wasn't that good on keys and, whether intentionally or not, kept Hagar's guitar work basic to keep it from overshadowing the keyboards. And it would have - EVH is a much better guitarist than Sammy, but Sammy is much better on guitar than EVH is on keyboards.

And, after all, Eddie Van Halen is the one who's name is on the album cover.

(And yes, Alex too - anyone think that Alex Van Halen's name sells albums?)

Eventually they all seem to have realized the error of their ways. For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge and Balance seem to be much more guitar-focused albums. This, even though Hagar was still with the band.

None of which is to say that any of this is to suggest that the veteran fans should reconsider their opinion of the band during this time, and certainly not to suggest they give it another listen.

But I'd suggest trading "Van Hagar" - which implies Sammy's presence is the causative factor - with a more accurate designation. Something like:

Edward Van Halen's Keyboard Training Sessions.

Biking Wayne Fitzgerell State Park

Occasionally work sends me out and about and, if I can, I will try to find some way to enjoy the place I've been sent in my off time. Ideally, that will take the form of a bike ride.

Wayne Fitzgerell State Park - which I'd never heard of - is located on the northern end of Rend Lake, a relatively large body of water about a half-hour south of Mount Vernon, Illinois. It's a small park, one of several that sit at the shores of Rend Lake. At least three of the parks have bike trails so I essentially picked the one that seemed to be the quickest to get to, given that I was riding at the end of the day and running out of daylight was a bit of a concern.

Though the park is not big, maps and directions within it were rather challenging to find. I ended up, after several minutes and a couple of wrong turns, first seeing the trail, and then passing a sign that said "bike trail". There doesn't appear to be any real trail head, per se; the trail map (in the picture) is more or less in the middle of the trail.

The surface was mostly crushed stone, and it was mostly fine, even for the narrow wheels of my road bike. There were a couple of spots that were a little soft, but they were brief.

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As one might expect of a trail located on a lake in a prairie, it was relatively flat, and so not terribly challenging. Still, the trail offered some delightful features - occasional views of Rend Lake interspersed with views of wetlands. One portion of the trail cuts through the woods in a winding, twisting fashion that was delightful; and it was a true woods path, in that one had to be watchful for branches, pine cones, etc, along the path.

And then there were the deer.

I saw a total of 13 white-tailed deer during my trip down the path - several of them juveniles still with their spots. I wouldn't typically keep count, but after the fourth sighting or so I became curious as to just how many there would turn out to be. Signs in the park, as well as information on the website, indicate that this is a hunting site, and one can see why.

It was a short trail, all told. Riding from the middle to each end and back put me at 8.76 miles, according to Cyclemeter. Or I assume that's the length of the trail. It just sort of stops at each end, without a clear indication that you've reached a terminal point.

Biking these trails doesn't appear to be a popular activity. Granted, I was there on a Wednesday evening, but it was the last third of August - prime summer. I saw only two other riders, and they were on the park roadway, not the trail. On the trail I was entirely alone.

Which, for me, was perfectly fine.

Had the trail entirely to myself.  

A Tale of Two Songs

Apple Music offered up a Billy Joel playlist last week, and Andy Ihnatko (@Ihnatko) posted a link to a New Yorker article about the artist himself a few days later.

While I will admit that I may have recently presented my own critique of a certain Billy Joel song that might be a Thing That Actually Sucks, the reality is that I grew up listening to his work, and I enjoy much of it a great deal.

I was reading the New Yorker article while cooking burgers out on the grill, and found myself telling my daughter about the article. She's not terribly familiar with his work, so I found myself singing a few lines of She's Always A Woman To Me to give her some reference. After giving the lyrics a listen she indicated that she thought she might like to hear more.

She's not one to just say what she thinks I want to hear (not sure where she gets that from), so today in the car I took her at her word, and we listened to the song. And then we talked about it - she observed that it played as if it were a romantic love piece, but the lyrics suggested differently...

On the way home we listened to it again, and having a second go through made me think of another song. So I said "Hey Siri, play Unsalted Butter by The Long Winters:

They are different songs, to be sure, by different artists. But the themes are very similar. Unsalted Butter is the song Billy Joel might have written if he were a more assertive person. She's Always a Woman presents a theme of a guy who is mystified, perplexed, and perhaps a little afraid of his partner. He's trying to understand her, trying to make sense of the relationship, and he's ultimately unable to see his way clear.

With Unsalted Butter we see a man who is also in a relationship in turmoil. But he sees the way things could go, and he's having none of it:

If you think you're gonna be here long, I'll miss you so much... ...when you're gone.

Similar situation. Different perspectives. Neither a traditional "love" song.

Love them both.

Things I Have Learned Because of Apple Music

• REO Speedwagon was formed in the late 1960's. And they're from Champaign IL.
• There is actually a band called Atomic Rooster
• I still really, really don't like The Rolling Stones
• I believe Neil Peart is a person who can pat his head and rub his tummy at the same time.
• In related news, I've learned that I really, really like Rush.
• there are a lot of British Prog Rock bands from the late 60's and early 70's I'd never heard of. But I want to know more about them.
• The Eagles have a lot of good stuff that isn't on either volume of greatest hits. None of it is from Long Road Out of Eden.
• It doesn't matter if you select no country artists when you set it up, it will still suggest an "introduction to Keith Urban" playlist.
• There is a reason that the handful of hit songs you hear by The Police are the only songs you ever hear by them ("deep cuts" playlists are not always a kindness).
• Did I mention that I really like Rush?
• Even though Apple can see your entire music collection they may suggest a playlist that is an introduction to an artist you are already passingly familiar with.
• He may be vain, but the song really is about him.
• Neko Case has material I hadn't yet heard, and it, like all of her stuff, is fundamentally awesome.

Changing The Nature of Work

This is sometimes my office - and my office staff... 

I am fortunate in that, for at least part of my time, I can work from home. But the real story here is that home is a 150 year old house in a location that many people would uncharitably describe as being in the middle of nowhere.

I grew up out here - this was my grandmother's house, and was built by my great-great-great grandfather. I grew up across the field, and spent a large percentage of my childhood in this very place. In the 1970's and 1980's of my childhood choosing a rural life meant compromise. Entertainment was four TV stations - the big three major networks out of Rockford, and channel 32 out of Chicago (which had the good cartoons) - pulled in on an antenna that stood taller than the house it was mounted against; and radio - really only one channel there for most of us: WLS, the 50,000 watt AM powerhouse that introduced me to the Eagles, Billy Joel, Paul Simon, and was home of Larry Lujack. They had a couple of movie theaters in LaSalle-Peru, but most of my early movie experience was at the drive-in in Earlville.

It also meant - and still means - being victim to the weather. During the winter of '79 we were stuck at home for many days in a row, and it was this that ultimately led my father to move us into town.

While I objected at the time, moving to town resulted in a a series of revelations. We got cable TV, and (even in a small town) stores and restaurants within an easy walk or bike ride. It's not hard to understand why people appreciate the convenience of living in groups - in villages, towns, and cities - though ultimately those locations do require sacrifices of their own.

What is different now about being in the middle of nowhere is that, while I still get snowed in from time to time, the Internet and portable tech mediates the rest of the limitations to a significant degree. The iPads mean that I can work anywhere I want, with a battery that lasts the entire day and a form factor that adapts to any location (no separate keyboard dictating the position I have to be in when working). And wireless internet - through LTE or through the line-of-sight radio internet we are lucky enough to have here - supports it by providing access to cloud services - Dropbox, iCloud, what have you. I have everything I need to do my work, and I don't have to be chained to a desk or an office to do it. I have a friend that refers to this as living in the future, And that seems about right.

Things That Actually Kinda Suck: Facebook

This post will likely come as no surprise to people who regularly spend time with me. It’s well known that I have a barely-tolerate/hate relationship with Facebook.

Now, I don’t want to come off here as if I’m comparing a social network to the apocalypse. That wouldn’t be fair. To the apocalypse.

Of course, the natural reaction to any conversation that begins this way would be to ask why one doesn’t simply stop using Facebook. The reality, though, is that Facebook has become, in many ways, something like a utility.

Yup - that’s right. Commonwealth Edison, Comcast, Facebook - all essentially the same thing.

I don’t think this is an exaggeration[1]. If I want electricity, I have to use the services provided by ComEd. It’s not like I can go over to Bob’s Electric Service(TM) down the street and start using his electricity instead.

While there are other social networks[2], the overwhelming majority of my family members and close friends are on Facebook, and it has become the defacto way to share pictures, family announcements, birthday and holiday greetings, etc, for a great many of us.

But in exchange for those connections Facebook treats us like the most passive-aggressive friend you’ve ever had:

“Oh - you don’t want the iOS app to automatically play videos? I’m sorry, I guess I thought you’d want to fully experience all of the links your friends so thoughtfully posted for you. I would have thought it was worth a little cellular data to experience the cat video your niece posted as soon as possible. My mistake - please follow these 73 steps to turn off that feature.”

Or:

“Charlie Jones has invited you to play Wisconsin Dairy Saga[3]. Okay, no, he really hasn’t, but Charlie’s playing it, and a real friend would join him to keep him company.”

Of course, one can add to this the fact that it’s apparently an active, open forum for two of the three topics of conversation that the great philosopher Linus warned us against. It’s essentially become the place that email forwards went to die. You know, if by “to die” one means “live on in perpetuity”.

But while some of the posts can be irritating, unlike in a zombie apocalypse show, the problem isn’t the people. It’s the company.

It’s like Mark Zuckerberg used his Facebook millions to purchase every manual on customer care and service, distributed them to his staff saying “read these closely and carefully; study every detail until you have them memorized forward and back. You must know it perfectly, so that we can successfully implement the exact opposite of everything they say.”

My personal dislike of Facebook is not new; rather, is is well aged, much like a nice, stinky cheese[4]. As such, it now sits in the background, waiting to be paired with a nice cracker or piece of sausage… (It is possible this wasn’t an ideal metaphor…)

Quite some time ago Facebook elected to separate out their Messenger service, removing it from the iOS Facebook app into its own, separate application. I’m sure that the company has its own, very good technical reasons for making this change, though I suspect they are secretly planning on giving every feature of the service its own application with the goal of actually having an entire page of your iPhone or iPad screen filled with nothing but Facebook.

I have resolutely resisted downloading that separate app - one Facebook icon per device is more than enough for me, and I figured if I held out long enough old MZ would surely see the error of his ways.

That, um, hasn’t happened as of yet.

Facebook, of course, left the messenger notification in the Facebook app, so it still tells you every time you have a message. But if you haven’t downloaded the separate application, it takes you to a window that tells you how foolish you have been, and urges you to get with the program immediately, if not sooner, lest your friends think you don’t like them any more or, perhaps, have fallen off the edge of the earth.

Having come to the conclusion that it’s possible that MZ isn’t suffering from my absence quite as much as I thought, I finally opted to download the app on my iPhone today.

Now, the app mostly works as advertised - and I’m sure I’m not telling virtually anyone reading this anything they don’t know, as besides myself, I think the only other people who haven’t downloaded are hermits living in Nepal. It gives direct access to the messages one has received thru Facebook, along with an interface familiar to anyone who has used any text-messaging style app.

But: Remember that passive-aggressive friend?

Literally every time I’ve opened the app, it gives me this message:

“You know, nice people want to know when others are trying to communicate with them. Don’t you want to be nice people? It’s nice to be nice to the nice.”

And the two choices accurately reflect your options - “Ok” or “Not Now” is the reality. There is no “Not Ever” or “Go Take a Long Walk Off a Short Pier” option, and there appears to be no way to turn this off in settings.

Ugh.

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1. Well, maybe a slight exaggeration.  ↩

2. My daughter periodically delights in telling me that people her age are on Instaphoto or Immedigram or something like that.  ↩

3. To my knowledge this isn’t actually a game on Facebook. Yet.  ↩

4. Its possible this characterization is unfair to nice stinky cheeses.  ↩